can't help myself

I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't mom.  You'll probably soon have the chance to tell me "I told you so."

Last night, Elly was up constantly.  She went to bed at about 9, but woke up every hour after that, whining and needing her pacifier, and for about two hours beginning at 2am, she was wide awake and irritable.  Craig and I were arguing, fighting about who should go in next and why the FUCK wasn't the previous person fixing things, and in the end of the night Craig ended up sleeping on the couch while I lay in the bed trying to calm Elly down for a while.  The minute she fell asleep, Connor came into my room, and at that point Craig was dead to the world so he couldn't help with anything.  Connor wanted me to fix a bad cramp in his leg, and when I was done I put him back into his bed, found and extra blanket, put Elly into her bed, and was hopeful about getting an hour or so of sleep all alone in my own little bed.

Somehow I woke up with Connor tucked in behind me, and Elly curled up to my chest.  My arm was asleep, and I had a bad cramp in my neck.

So, you're telling yourself now, why was Liz mentioning her mother in the beginning of this post?  What does she want to tell us that she's been warned to keep to herself?

Here it is.  On our family blog the other day, Carole expressed feelings of distress and irritation at the whole parenting thing.  She felt "bleh", and I can honestly say I've felt the exact same feeling about a thousand times in the years I have been a mother, and that probably amounts to every single day of my motherhood.  It's not to say that I hate being a mother or I hate my children, I just feel crazy at least once every day, and I think mothers that don't admit that are maybe truly crazy.

Ok, so that's not so bad.  Carole felt bad, and rightly so because she has a tiny little needy baby that's sucking, literally sucking, the life out of Carole.  Sometimes that is a beautiful thing, and sometimes babies are wonderful in their peaceful innocence, but sometimes they scream their little faces off and there's not a damn thing you can do to help them, and you're not so fond of them those times.  Parents facing this stress need to know that they are not alone, their resentment and irritation and frustration and anxiety are things that ALL parents feel, and they are not bad people for going down mental roads that they may not have ever expected to come up.  These parents need useful tips, they may need to hear them over and over again, things like "Sleep when the baby sleeps" and "Go outside for a breath of fresh air when she's crying" and "Get a bottle of milk ready for nighttime feedings to share the responsibility a little"... these tips may never actually be followed but if they are and if they help, it was worth the tipster sharing the information.  When Elly was tiny, Craig and I were struggling every night to stay awake while rocking her to sleep, and I was actually worried that Craig would fall asleep with Elly in his arms and drop her.  Mom said to me on the phone, "Move that rocker from her room into your room so you have a place to rest."  It was like a miracle - my mind was so frazzled that a simple thing like moving a chair never occured to me until mom said it, and after we did move the chair into our room we both started to get a little more sleep each night.  Maybe it wasn't comfortable sleep, but every little bit helped.

Wow, I sure have a knack for rambling.

Ok, so long long long story short, Carole was upset, and Mom and I both wrote little things to her to let her know that we heard her, remembered and felt her stress, and hoped that things would get better.  We put our little helpful tips down, just in case maybe they would help.

Then Mari wrote.  I've been careful over the years to not upset my older sister, and when I've tried to think of a reason for tiptoeing around her, I can't come up with a good one.  I guess it's just fear or something, who knows.  But when I read her comment about Carole's feelings of "bleh", I really got irritated.  She said, and I quote, that "for inspiration", we should all know that her son sleeps from 9pm to 5am every night.

I've gotta say, it was really not fucking inspirational last night for my sister's words to be going through my head when I was rocking my daughter for the fifteenth time.  Carole, I'm sure, does not feel inspired by Mari's perfect baby when her "not-s0-perfect" baby is crying for a boob again after only feeding her less than two hours before.  I'm sure that my frustration now and last night is fueled by my exhaustion and the other stressors in my life getting me down, but I don't think it's unwarranted.

Should I post this?