How to be disappointed

It's not unnatural to want to be happy in life.  In fact, I think everyone starts out that way - we seek activities, people, food, etc. that make us feel fulfilled and satisfied.  Along the way, though, some of us discover that none of those things are working anymore.  Some would say this is typical depression, and a psychiatric consult is warranted.  I say that for those of us that tend to live in the darker frame of mind, maybe we just need more lessons on how to be disappointed, so that we feel like we've met our goals too.  With that in mind, I'm comprising a list of things you can do to be more disappointed with your life, and at least if you do that well, you'll succeed in something.

• Be a woman
• This one is especially true all around the world.  Perhaps in ancient times, Egyptian women were powerful and meaningful and had purpose other than making men happy and producing babies.  Today though, and for quite a long time, women are lesser than.  We fight to be heard, we fight to be fulfilled, but our fight is overwhelmingly futile.  Young men are taught as infants to whine and complain and beat their way to what they want.  Young girls are taught to deal with disappointment and live with being let down.  As we all age, the stakes get greater, the disparity between sexes greater, the constant disappointment ever more present for women as a whole.  So if you're trying to be frustrated and upset with the way your life is going, be or become a woman.

:) Christmas woes

Reasons to detest two-week long visits from in-laws at Christmas:

1. Every movie involves a cacophony of noises unrelated to the movie. Crunching, bags crinkling, nonstop commentary on the movie fueled by people constantly trying to one-up each other (including the husband). I now know where my son gets it from - direct lineage to his father, and from there his wonderfully opinionated mother and father. At least I know how to speak my mind with intelligence and stealth.
2. While childcare is "free-er" than usual, it involves basically only one thing - Minecraft. And a random trip to the dollar store or other said super cheap crap store, where a grandparent buys a shitload of stupid garbage to entertain the children for 3 minutes. Until they are distracted by Minecraft.
3. Relentless bigotry and anger, and we don't even have cable so we can't watch Fox News.
4. Something bothering you? From the wise mother-in-law, the answer is always "That person is an idiot", or worse "That person is disgusting because they're [black, gay, Muslim, thin, ugly, talented... or anything else that she herself is not]". Nothing more, nothing less. So all complaints (from one wise enough to refrain from speaking any complaints at all for the entire 14 days) go unsaid. 

Sigh. Only four reasons, but excruciating, and I'm counting minutes (and cigarettes, because as soon as they're gone, these are gone, too... again).

P.S.

Reason 5 - They make you want to smoke. Even though you're training for your fifth marathon.

Quick update

WOW, plans change in a year, don't they?  I had a grand plan to post once every 2 weeks I think, and I haven't posted since January?  So... that didn't work out very well.  Anyway, I have to play with Elly, clean the kitchen, make some appointments, organize some toys - don't have a lot of time to post.  Regardless, I thought I'd put something up on my blog because I updated our "The Past Three Months" album with everything since June.  Boring post, I know.

Not a good mother

I have resigned to sitting in the bathroom with the fan on to get away from my children tonight.  Craig keeps on getting home exceptionally late, which leaves me to deal with these kids all day and all night, and having started this weekend with a 30 hour stretch of being awake, I am tired of everything at this point.  I'm not "PMSing", this isn't hormones getting in the way of clear thought.  This is just exhaustion.  And I'm pretty sure that I'm a horrible mother, so even when I try to do things right I know in the back of my mind that I can't, I'm not cut out for this in the first place.  Oh, sure, I can put on a happy smile and make a cute cake for a birthday and play tag once in a while and my kids seem to like it.  But in the hard times, when i've asked for something again for the 15th time, when all I want is alone time and Connor won't stay in his room, its in these times that I know I'm no good.  I hate myself in those times, because I have no self control over my words, and sometimes it is literally shaking me how hard I'm trying to control my actions.  All I want to do is swear and kick stuff, and I don't think that's a good way for a mom to be.  I've bought books an how to do this, I was a child myself so I have a little experience with how to raise a kid, but I'm beginning to think that a part of a person has to actually be skilled in this, and its a skill I completely lack.

Crazy

So, I'm here at work, trying to figure out how in the world I manage to always get screwed in everything I do.  Why do I go from place to place in this life, wondering how people could be so crappy, but always going back to trusting that they will "come around", be decent, have a heart?  Even in nursing, maybe especially here, people are so much more out for themselves, doing little to help coworkers, doing little to help patients.  Complaining about requests for pain medication, unabashedly taking a break, then another, without concern for assisting anyone else.  I watch this all in total amazement.  Can it be?  Did I give up a high paying job as a programmer, incur a ton of debt, wreak havoc on my family, all for this stupid license that screams, "SHIT ON ME! I PROBABLY WILL LIKE IT! "
NEED A DAY OFF.