I was also upset because whenever Ann does this, she causes a lot of unnecessary stress in our lives. She's called to bitch Craig out about so many silly things, and it should be easy for Craig to brush it off and call her crazy, but she's so overbearing that he's usually incapable of doing so. She called recently to cry to Craig about how it's so unfair that Connor never has spent the night at her house, but he has spent the night at his other grandma's house. She called to bitch him out about having other people over to our house on the day that she came over with her old lady friends to see Elly (it was my dad's birthday, BTW). She bitches him out because I won't go on little lady trips with her and her friends - they wanted me to go to the Detroit Lady's Show on my last day of my Organic Biochemistry class.
Our lives are not so easy most of the time - raising kids is a very hard job, and losing your firm grasp of your dreams isn't something one can let go of so quickly. Each day we struggle to do right by our kids while also doing right by ourselves, and it's so much easier to do that when there are supportive people around. Craig's mom is definitely not one of the supportive people we have backing us up. Instead, she's a thorn in our sides, constantly shoving her drama in our faces. She makes Craig feel like crap, and he doesn't want to talk about it with me because he knows I'll get all worked up about it. We both end up bottling up this crappy feeling... is that fair for a mother to do that to her child, and still expect unconditional love from him? Especially when he's 31 years old? No.
So, Craig called his mom and told her so. Obviously after acting like such a bitch, she wouldn't answer her phone, so he had to leave a voicemail telling her how he felt. Craig really rarely tells his mom the whole truth about how he feels because she's really good at blowing things up. This was one time that he really laid it out for her - he didn't appreciate the way she was treating him and his family, he didn't want to keep his kids away from her nor did he want to stay away from her, but if she kept acting the way she is, he isn't coming over to be treated like crap. He said he loved her, he wants to talk to her, and could she please call him back.
She didn't call back. In fact, that coward instructed her husband to call, so Craig had to relay all of his feelings toward his mother through his dad, and that's never really useful. Craig's dad is not a good listener, and he has a real way of twisting and tripping over words. It was Craig's only option though, and I think that conversation was actually beneficial in some ways because it helped Craig to see even more clearly how his mother is trying to manipulate us all. Apparently Neil was recently diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, and because of his mother's drama, Craig wasn't ever even informed. So both Craig and his dad were realizing how twisted it was all getting, and though nothing was really resolved, it was easier for Craig to feel angry toward his mother without guilt getting in the way.
We arrive now at this morning, when Craig's mother called while he was in the bathroom. He didn't get to answer the phone in time, so she left a short irritating message.
Craig, I just wanted to call to set up a time for me to see the kids. You don't have to call me if you don't want to, just call your dad.
Bye.
Um, what? Now she's making "appointments" to see her grandkids, but she doesn't even want to talk to her son about it? She doesn't want to fix things with the human being that she actually grew and carried in her womb, gave birth do, raised and cared for, watched over in the hospital for countless hours, loved his entire life long? She doesn't care about that person anymore, it's all about the grandkids? That lady is fuckin' nuts. Craig didn't talk about it with me for long, he just said that he wished she would call and apologize. She could apologize for being a bitch, for treating him badly, she could even apologize for the fact that Craig hasn't realized that she's crazy yet. He just wants to hear "I'm sorry" come out of her mouth. It's SO not going to. As I said before, she's fuckin' nuts.
Any suggestions? Anyone?
2 comments:
Define the parameters, and write it up if you have to.
What kind of role would you be okay with Ann having, especially with respect to your kids? Be as specific as you can.
What kind of relationship does Craig want with her? You? Spell those out, too. The exercise might sound silly, but without a positive set of boundaries no one can appropriately toe the line.
Also, as much as it's been crazy, try to keep those parameterized lists in terms of positives.
Once limits are in place, next it's time to define protocol. That might come across as too formal, but often it's how things take place (as opposed to what takes place) that causes friction. Plans for communication and travel are the most obvious, but others exist, too.
If the whole thing is approached from a place of love, from a positive point of view, the more likely it is to be accepted. If you begin the discourse with reassurances (like "We wanted to find a way, without getting upset or blaming anyone, to open communication and to be completely clear about how we all operate"), you might not find an immediate argument. But you have to tell her these things.
The goal is to be able to point to protocols or boundaries when things aren't as they should be, rather than pointing fingers.
Clearly, though, some of those things have to be revisited every once in a while. Kids do grow up, circumstances change, and so on.
Some people are just high maintenance, though. Those lady things you don't really like? You should consider going every so often. You should also encourage Craig to make solo visits every now and again. In the end, crazy or not, she's still human (for argument's sake).
Ben, I could just punch you dude. I know you're right about a lot of stuff you said, but you really just don't understand how crazy this woman is, and how your very logical solution would be so lost on her. I had Craig read your comment too, and he was impressed with the calm psychiatrist advice you gave, but then he made a "phlbbt" sound and shrugged it off. It just won't work. We'll try a few of the ideas - writing thing out for her to read, for example, and trying to forgive her for her insanity. She will not see it as a loving gesture though; she'll think we're being controlling and trying to keep her grandchildren away from her. We feel like it's a bit of a hopeless situation - but we're not going to give up. We don't have any other babysitters, after all.
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