I'm not "PMSing", so please don't dismiss this post as just being hormonal. I've just been very frustrated today. And it's not just today, it's been for like... weeks. I think I'm justified in my frustration, most of the time. Sometimes, when my frustration is aimed at Connor, I take it too far. Those days, like today, I feel frustrated and guilty of being the worst mother in the world. When I yell at Connor, he says "Don't get all mad at me!" or "Don't smack me!" - it's as if I do this ALL THE TIME. I do not beat my kid - he's getting really good at making me think that I must actually be beating him.
Example of my frustration - I just read to Connor for 30 minutes, all while holding Elly in one arm (with the help of a sling), carefully balancing the book on the bed so that I could read it, and gently "nice-ing" Connor's arm for him... it was, to put it mildly, hard to do. Elly was totally asleep for the entire thing, and Connor fell asleep after about 15 minutes. So then I came downstairs, set Elly down next to me on the couch, opened up the computer to write this blog... and her eyes popped open. She's not hungry, she's not wet, she's not poopy - she just knows that I want 2 minutes to do something without her in my arms, and she doesn't like it. I feel like a crazy person, because I want to yell at her or just put her down in her bed away from me or something, but I can't because it totally wouldn't work. It's making me crazy.
Anyway.
I went on Facebook today, and honestly, I'm thinking of just quitting being on that thing. Just getting rid of my user and everything. Here's the thing: a long time ago, I got on Facebook. I found a couple of friends, liked a couple of the little programs they had, and I decided that I'd become a FB fan instead of MySpace. Whatever, both sites are stupid, but... oh I have no good reason for being on either. And it was just affirmation of the fact that I have no friends, because I didn't have the thousands of friends that some people manage to accumulate, I only had a small few. Many of the people that were (and are) my friends were people I hadn't ever met, so it was really just this silly virtual world and I couldn't get really caught up in it.
Then I set up an account for Craig, I told him that it was cool, and he should get into the new and get on Facebook. So he did, and at first he didn't really embrace it at all. Then his coworkers found him, and a bunch of people from his graduating class, and a few other people that he's known over the years, and now he's a fucking FACEBOOK GOD, and about a million people wished him a Happy Birthday the other day. I can't even keep up; he could have girlfriends and secret little things going on all over the place, and I'm just lost in how "cool" he is. I may be taking this out of context, in fact I know I'm taking it down the wrong road, but I feel like our lives are just so different, and he enjoys his while I suffer in mine. Wow, how that relates to Facebook I'll never know, but that's where I am now.
Ok, so here's where this relates to Facebook - now I remembered, after a brief freakout session with Elly which ended with her lying on the couch near my and I'm not rocking her at all. She seems to like it that way. Imagine that. So on Facebook, Craig has a ton of friends. They all have little jokes with each other, and a bunch of these friends are his work buddies so they have even more "personal" interactions away from this house and the life we have together. Somehow, those people see this vibrant and happy man, so outgoing and funny and witty and clever, and they all love him like crazy. They just think he's the best thing since sliced bread, they compare him to Dr. McDreamy on that stupid Gray's Anatomy show. And then he comes home to us, and he's this skittish, indecisive, negative lump, constantly yelling at Connor (it's pretty common around here lately), always jumping out of my way instead of acting like he has a place here, and seriously - if I didn't freak out daily at the fact that nobody does anything without my direction, NOTHING WOULD EVER FUCKING HAPPEN AROUND HERE. I have to tell people to go to the bathroom, to shower, to play one thing or another - I mean, I guess I could let everything go and just not tell anyone anything, but I think I would lose my mind.
I can't wait for spring. I really really REALLY want to start running again, with Elly possibly, and the gray shittiness outside is making me nuts.
So that's my problem with Facebook. The fact that I feel even more like my husband is leading a double life - in one life he's happy (at work), and in the other life he's miserable (at home), and I don't want to be with someone that's miserable. I feel miserable thinking about it. Sometimes I feel like I do so much controlling around here, what the fuck to I need a husband around for to just add to the shit to control? And if he's so happy and cool at work, maybe he should just stay there. Like, permanently. Just move in with one of his cool nurse buddies and do fucking nurse shit all the time. Seems like they're always partying, and their families are perfect and amazing, and they all look good and whatever. His stories about his coworkers are all shiny and pretty. From what I've seen of them, they're generally fairly fake. I feel uncomfortable and icky around them. Craig feels good around them. We've been married 8 years, and sometimes I wonder how it happened.
I'm angry today. This was a long long long post and I'm really angry and unhappy and tired. And I feel huge and fat and ugly and misshapen and my head hurts. And now I'm crying.
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