Sad

I'm sad today.  I'm not completely sure why, but I think it's a combination of being overwhelmed with life, being away from my son, working at a place I despise, and being pregnant.  That would probably explain the sadness.  I'm sad that last night I had such little patience with Connor, that I couldn't even enjoy the last night of my weekend because I spent so much of it being frustrated with him and the way he ate his dinner.  I'm sad that I obviously do not mean much around here, and that as much as people who don't work here want to blow smoke up my butt, I'm really not that important.  I just work here, just like anyone else, and although that does leave me with a lot of freedom because I lack responsibility, it also makes me feel like I've wasted too much time here.

Last week on Friday I finally talked to Scott about our "arrangement" for when I go part-time.  The conversation began very professionally, with him explaining the different benefits that would continue without a problem, and the other snafus that we're going to run into (like the fact that I can only have medical coverage if I work at least 30 hours per week).  When, however, I mentioned the salary issue, he started to get defensive, and caught me off-guard a few times with his disrespectful remarks.  At one point we were discussing the fact that this is happening earlier than he expected, and he said something to the effect of "at least now we'll be able to get used to you being gone sooner, and we can sort through things that need to be done before you go."  I simply agreed, that yes, this will make things easier than if we just ignore the fact that I'll be out of here in November until November comes!  Then he said, "Don't act like you're doing me any favors."  He mentioned at one point that it would be easier on him if I weren't leaving earlier, if I weren't leaving at all, in fact it would be easier if I weren't pregnant to begin with.

Who in their right mind mentions to a pregnant woman that the situation would be better if the pregnant woman weren't even pregnant?  Because then... what if I miscarried?  What if something terrible happened?  What kind of idiot makes a comment like that in general, let alone to an emotional wreck of an employee?  TO AN EMPLOYEE, ever?  I was appalled.  I think I hid it well, because I didn't cry when I was in there, but it did feel like he thought I was scum for choosing family over his precious company, and I really didn't want to ever come back in to work for him after that.  But, here I am.

There were so many other things that came out in that conversation that I can't remember in full detail to be able to write it all down.  The real result is this: I'll be going "part-time" starting on August 15th, working 3 days a week in the office and figuring out a way to get in an extra 6 hours elsewhere.  I can work my own hours, so if I want to come in late, I can, and I believe if I want to skip a lunch and just work straight through, I can do that as well.  Once I get closer to my due date, I can work one of those 3 days completely from home, so long as I get my hours in.  I'm not going to be salaried - they're going to pay me an hourly rate based on my current salary.  I'll still get medical, I'll still get profit sharing, and I'll still get my bonus at the end of the year (although I was informed that by going part-time, the amount will be "impacted", whatever that means).  I'm not completely clear on how maternity leave is going to work out, but I still qualify for it, and I believe it's still going to be paid - though whether it will be paid based on my hourly rate or my previous salaried rate is still a question.  They don't have an official policy on it yet, surprise surprise.

All of that is good, actually.  I'm excited for August 15th to come, and I'm glad that part is over with.  I'm not excited to deal with my coworkers giving me grief for working less, but they could do it too if they wanted to make less money... they'd just need to ask.  There are consequences, and if anyone walks around here thinking I'm a scumbag for working less but not feeling the effects of it - they can shove it up their butts.  I'm feeling the effects of it already, and soon it'll become even more clear.

What sucked about the conversation, and what is taking me some time to get over and get used to, is that I've been working here for almost 5 years and I feel like nothing good has come from it.  Well, not nothing.  I have new friends.  We bought a house, and are raising a child, and we were able to put Craig through school because of the sacrifices I've made by working here.  But, in all that time, my boss still has no respect for me or my decisions, and even though it shouldn't hurt, it does.  I think if it were anyone treating me this way, not just Scott, it would be hurtful, but the fact that it is someone that knows me and has grown maybe not to understand me, but to know about a few intimate details of my life... that feels even worse.

I judge people like crazy in my day-to-day life.  I judge whether a person is a good driver or not simply based on they way he changes lanes.  I think most teenage kids are probably jerks or self-absorbed, I think many of the people in my neighborhood are disrespectful, and I'm sure my neighbor is a raging alcoholic though I rarely ever actually see him drinking.  So I'm not claiming that I'm faultless here - I have plenty of room for improving my views of the human race in general.  But I still cannot understand how Scott could treat me like I've become one of the "undesirables" that he so adamantly despises, simply because I choose my family over this place.  I'm able to see how he could choose this place over his family; he has no family, nor any desire, and so this place does define him.

I'm really babbling.  It was a way to pass time.  I'm leaving in seven minutes.