Having a girl...

WOW!

I know it's only a day after we found out, but I think it's going to take a long long time to sink in.  A GIRL.  I'm a girl, so what's the big deal?  I just don't know.  I know how I feel about things, I know how my upbringing affected me, but I don't know exactly how to allow or prevent things from happening to Elly that happened to me.  I want to raise a strong, independent daughter, capable of anything and more than most boys could ever achieve.  I think with Connor it's easier because I know what a good man should be (or I think I do), and I think I know how to help him discover what he's capable of.  With a girl, I feel so conflicted - I'm not even sure what I'm capable of, I'm not even sure if I'm a good person, so I'm obviously not a very confident person (all the time, at least), and trying to instill confidence and strength into another woman is going to be so...

I'm rambling!  But I'm scared, too.  I know both of my sisters have daughters, and my mom managed to have four... but I don't know if I'll be good at it.

I had a long conversation with Craig last night about the way he acts toward Connor.  Craig was talking to Elly (my belly), telling her all about her big brother.  Almost every single thing he said was some negative comment about our son - he doesn't eat enough, he's a "punk", he doesn't listen well, he's short... it's as if there's nothing good about Connor that Craig could come up with on the spot without slamming our 3 year old child at the same time.  Being pregnant, and emotional, I just couldn't stand it!  I mean, it is HARD to deal with Connor sometimes.  He's incredibly stubborn, and from what I can gather from my mom and her sisters (Mari and Christine never warned me about this), it's apparently a stage that kids go through - the "Horrible Threes" or something?  I also admit that my methods aren't the best; they're probably close to the worst, and that me being forceful with Connor is definitely something I need to CHANGE (I don't know how, so any suggestions are definitely welcome).  But I'm MADLY in love with that kid!  I think he's absolutely perfect - besides his tendency to act like a three year old child.  I want him to respect me, and even sometimes fear me (not that I'll beat him or something, just that I really mean what I say and he isn't the one in control), but I also want him to feel like nothing he can or cannot do will ever change the love his parents have for him.  Y'know?  That's what all kids want, I think.  To know that even in their failures, while often not wished for by the parents, the love between parent and child holds firm.  No matter whether he's good at soccer, excels at the piano, is a math genius, speaks clearly, makes a lot of friends... anything - nothing can change what I feel for that kid.  But with Craig, it seems like he's almost sure Connor's a failure when he can't or won't do something that Craig thinks he should do.  Connor doesn't pay attention sometimes, especially when he's busy playing with something or drawing or whatever.  When that happens, Craig immediately turns to "well, maybe he has ADD".  What!?!  Are you NUTS?  He's THREE!  And he's NOT short, he's in the 75th percentile for his height, so the fact that he's not as tall as us yet shouldn't mean you classify him as being a short guy!  And he doesn't need to eat more, he needs to eat whatever he does eat, because if he wasn't eating enough, he'd be telling us he's hungry!  He's a pretty great person!  He has a funny little sense of humor!  He's sweet, he calls me pretty all the time, he's nice to old ladies, he's charming!  So WHAT if he gives us a ton of trouble when he's going to bed?  So WHAT if sometimes he says "I'm going to do whatever I want to do" as if he's a 15 year old boy?  He's a kid.  I'll forgive him for that.

Oh well.  It just hurts a little, I feel like I'm betraying him anyway by having another (even though I really really WANT another!), and it's even harder when I see Craig look at him with disdain all the time; he's just so friggin perfect that it's difficult to allow anyone to treat him otherwise.  Discipline is one thing, disgust is another.  Maybe I'm exaggerating.

Shouldn't I be working?