desperation

I'm not really sure what to do now; every day has major highs and major lows.  Today I woke up happy, because the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, Connor slept the whole night long and didn't whine (much), and I'm just extremely glad that it's Friday.  So then I got ready, came to work, and before starting real "work", I decided to check out car prices for a while.  Just to see what we could get for our Rav4, and what we could do after selling it.  As it turns out, we owe about $7,000 more than the trade in value, and about $4,000 more than the private-party value, and that means that if we do decide to go get a new car, we'll be paying an extra $4,000 - $7,000 for the car, meaning we have to buy a scooter or something to make up the difference.  WHY did we decide to buy that stupid Rav4 in the first place?  Do you know why?  To keep up with the Joneses.  To look like we were doing well, and we were doing well, but now I think I want things to change a bit, and I don't really care about keeping up with anything.  I want a functional car, a safe car, and one that doesn't cost $500 a month to pay for.  And I want valid suggestions for how to do that.  I know that if we asked Craig's mom for advice (she works in a bank, after all), she'd suggest doing something stupid and retarded like she always does - just get a HUGE car, waste TONS of gas, and finance it forever!  No thanks!  I mean, I guess for now, a good option may be to lease a car, even a long lease (like 3 - 5 years), and pay a lot less per month to drive a car to where we need to go.  That could be feasible, but there's still the problem of getting rid of the Rav4, which is a really nice car by the way, but nobody wants an SUV anymore because gas costs $4.25 a gallon.  I'm screwed, and really, I feel so alone in this battle against the world sometimes.  Craig doesn't look this stuff up, he doesn't feel or notice the implications that simple things like "we can't sell our car" mean for us.  What it means is that I can't go work part-time right now, or I can but something else, and something big needs to be cut out of our budget - but what?  What do we get rid of?  What do we stop doing?  Do we cancel our satellite service?  Do we sell the huge TV?  Do I start offering to make people roman shades for their homes for pay?  That's not a bad idea, really.  Anyway.  I just feel like it's all on me, there's this huge weight on my shoulders all the time, and I don't want this load anymore.  I have a "load" that I'm carrying around in my belly, and God knows my head is full of shit, and I'm feeling so worn down and tired of it all that I can't carry around all of this financial bullshit all the time too.  Do you realize that I've worked full time since my son was only 6 weeks old?  Never had more than a week off at a time, almost missed his first steps?  I'm just losing it.  Losing everything, and I'm so positive that the shit we have isn't worth the shit I've missed.  What's infuriating is that I have to work on "convincing" Craig that he needs to be less materialistic and start conserving - he always wants to be frugal with things like groceries, but then he has to have the Wii and the best TV and the fancy car and nice furniture and a cool phone, and I like all of those things too - but I don't think I've been the one to need them as much as he does.  Anyway.  I guess since I'm here, I might as well do a little work.

And don't even suggest working some multi-level marketing plan thing, dad.  I just don't need that kind of frustration right now.  I don't need someone blowing steam up my butt, I need reality.  But a better one.