The guilt of being a mother

I guess we all have these moments, but this moment right here, RIGHT NOW, is the worst moment of my life so far. All I can feel is hatred, for myself more than anything, but also for my son who has been successfully making me hate myself for the past hour. The guilt of hating him is seriously making me crazy.

Connor's doing this new thing lately - I'm the only one who can read him stories at night, I'm the only one he wants to hold him, pick him up, etc., and I have to "nicey" him forEVER every fucking night. And I don't do it, that's the thing that's REALLY crazy, but he asks for it FOREVER. Every FUCKING night.

I want to HIT HIM, I want to BEAT HIM, and that's making me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CRAAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Oh my god, why does anyone ever decide to be a mother? Who thought this would be a good idea? I've gained a little patience, but I feel like every step forward that I've gained so far has been COMPLETELY drained of me tonight. It's hot, it's late, I haven't felt really good all night, and Connor KEEPS ON MAKING ME COME IN THERE! It would be one thing if he just cried, because I can totally handle just letting him fall asleep crying (I've done it plenty of times in my life, and it's a pretty restful sleep once you get there). But HE GETS UP! He runs out of his room! He comes downstairs, he comes into my bedroom, it's like the FIRST thing he does when he realizes that he has the power to make me crazy is he SITS UP, cries like crazy, and then within a minute he's at his door.

Finding every fucking reason to come out of there. He went pee before we went into his room for bed, I brushed his teeth, we had two great stories and all went well... and he now, an hour later, is screaming again because he says he has to pee. And he wants me to nicey him. And he just "wants me". He does this now, and I know that at 3 he'll do the same thing. I can't seem to scare him into stopping. I've tried being calm, I've tried reasoning with him, I've tried ignoring him. I've tried threatening him with punishment - slamming the door (he hates that), letting him cry, taking away his sucky things, turning off the light. I've tried doing those things to no avail. Tonight I spanked him, three spanks on his diaper-covered butt, and I cried for an hour afterward.

I feel like a horrible mother.